A not so brief introduction

I have had issues with the way I look, and particularly my weight, for a very long time. In fact, I had issues way before it was an issue, which probably did a lot to contribute to the issue itself.

Are you still with me?

According to pictures, I was a pretty regularly sized kid up until I was around 13-14, though if you'd asked me back then, I would probably have compared myself to a medium sized whale. At this particular age, I went through a lot of changes. I was on the cusp of puberty, I started a new and bigger school, I suddenly had a lot of new peers and teachers to relate to, the new school had an open campus and was within walking distance of a mall. It was also at this age that I landed my first job: a paper route. Obviously, the pay check wasn't going to make me into a millionaire, but unlike most other kids my age, I had access to money on a regular basis, and my parents were in no position to tell me what to do with them. It was the perfect set of circumstances for me to gain weight. The physical maturing, the new environment, the new people, the new teachers all contributed to me feeling stressed out a lot of the time, and stress usually does bad things to your weight, which, in turn, made me feel even more stressed out. Food became a forbidden indulgence, a pick-me up when I was sad, a reward when I did well, and a booby prize when I didn't. I could always find a reason why I should eat, and with the money from my paper route, I could always afford to treat myself.

I got bigger and bigger. I would often come up with schemes that were going to help me lose weight, but they never really worked out. They would work for a while, but then something would trigger a binge, and BAM, every effort would be demolished. I'll admit, some endeavors were more successful than others, but in the end, I'd always give in and gain even more weight. Usually not in huge leaps and bounds, but a couple of pounds here, and couple pounds there.

When I started upper secondary, the Norwegian equivalent of high school, I weighed around 165 pounds, which is not horribly awful, but enough to give me a bit of a belly and a pair of the dreaded love handles. I stayed at this weight throughout my first year at the new school. Then, when I decided to sign up for an exchange program and spend a year in the US, I really wanted to slim down for that. I did manage to lose a bit of weight, and by the time I was ready to leave for Lima, Ohio, I weighed approximately 150 pounds.

Of course, the US is a difficult place to live if you're trying to watch your weight. I did really well for quite a while, though my diet was shot to hell pretty much right away. However, while I was there, I played soccer, softball and swam, and because of that, I got more regular exercise than I've ever gotten before, which staved off the worst of the weight gain. I think. I don't actually know, because I had no opportunities to weigh myself while I was living in the States. I wore the same clothes throughout the year though!

Then, on April 1st 2005, my beloved grandmother passed away unexpectedly. I'd always been very close with her, and to be halfway across the world when she died was something I'd never thought was a possibility. I wanted to come home right away, but my parents convinced me not to, partly because they didn't want me to spend hours and hours alone at various airports right after such an emotional K.O., and partly because my grandmother shared my zest for traveling and wouldn't have wanted me to cut my exchange short. So I stayed, but the death of my grandmother affected me profoundly. I cried a lot, stopped going to softball practice, binged a whole lot, the works. When I finally got back home, I weighed 180 pounds. I swore up and down that this was the highest weight I would ever be at. For a while, that held true. I managed to get down to 165, and then I moved out of my parents house, and zoomed right back up to 180. I held steady there for quite a while, until I decided that NOW, I would tackle my weight issues once and for all. I quit eating candy and drinking soda, and sure enough, I got back down to 165, and then promptly screwed it up when I got rejected by this guy I liked. He was a member of my taekwon-do club, which made it slightly awkward to go to practice, so I kinda stopped. Instead I sat at home and wallowed with a bag of cheese doodles My weight went up to an all time high: just shy of 200 pounds. Again, I swore up and down that I would lose weight and never ever look back. And that brings us to today. I started seriously working towards losing weight before the summer, and have lost quite a bit already, but after having read a lot of weight loss blogs over the last few days, I've been inspired to start one of my own. I really hate exposing my weight to the world, but if I have to tell you guys when I fall of the wagon and stuff my face with chocolate, maybe I won't be so tempted to do it in the first place.

However, December 20th is a really shitty day to start making the ins and outs of your diet public on, especially since I'm currently at my parents' house and have no control over what's being made for dinner, and since my mom's Christmas cookies are beyond delicious. I still wanted to create the blog though, and get used to writing about my weight on the internet. I have a sneaking suspicion that that's going to be the hardest part, having to put forth this amount of candor. But here goes.

Here are my current stats:

Height: 5'3" / 161 cm (Somehow, I doubt this one is going to change much.)
Weight: 172 pounds / 78 kg (Hopefully, this will change a lot!)
BMI: 30 (I'm obese! >.<)

Here's the kicker: I don't want to be skinny. I don't strive towards weighing a hundred pounds. I like having an ass and I like having boobs. When I was younger, I thought I had to weigh 110 pounds or less, or I'd be ugly. But as I've matured, I've realized just how low this number is. Being just shy of 5'3", I could probably pull off this weight without looking too emaciated, but I'd be toeing a fine line, and I've come to realize that I don't actually like the look of people who are toeing this particular line. No offense to those who do, but I think a little bit of fat is cute, and I don't want to bust my butt for the rest of my life trying to maintain this weight. So the question is, what weight will I be comfortable at? What weight will I be able to reach? At what weight will I be soft and squishy and feminine rather than blobby and unhealthy? This past summer, I worked as a cleaning lady at the local city hall. The GP's used to have their offices in this building, but they've moved. However, it's still the place where babies and children go for their checkups, so in one of the offices I cleaned every day, there was a height and weight chart. It told me that the highest weight I could be at and still be healthy is 68 kg, or 150 pounds. According to the BMI calculator I'm using, I need to be 147 pounds before I'm in the normal range. Then I started thinking that it would be good to have a little bit of "leeway", and get myself down to a BMI of 24, which would be 141 pounds. And then I did some more thinking, and realized that I don't actually know what my body is going to look like when I reach 150, 147, or 141 pounds. So I decided to wait and see, and then adjust as needed. So for now, here are my goals:

Partial goal: 160 pounds
Final goal #1: 147 pounds
Pounds to lose before partial goal: 12
Pounds to lose before final goal: 25

Obviously, I'm going to need a way to stay motivated, which is what the partial goals are for. Not too long ago, I bought a copy of a book called '1001 books you have to read before you die'. Obviously, there are a lot of books I haven't read. I'm not really supposed to buy books for my own enjoyment, because I'm a poor student and should spend the money on boring things like rent, electricity and internet. So I'm going to give myself two dollars for every pound that I lose, and then twenty dollars for every partial goal that I reach. For that money, I can buy whichever book I want to. Sound fair?

Also, when I reach my final final goal (depending on which final goal I chose to run with), I'm going to buy a dress from here! I really like this one! And this one, although I suspect that the pretty flowers would disappear completely under my formidable boobage!